Long time, no see

Hey Blog,

It's been a super long time, and for that I am sorry.  Going back to school has been great for so many things, but for my social life, not so much.   I'm struggling today with some major acid reflux issues, but I'm getting through them with a smile by thinking about this poem I wrote for a class last semester.  It still needs some work, but it sums up my day pretty perfectly considering I wrote it 6 months ago :)

A Stomach in (Re)Flux  by Bridget Meakim

The day is measured

In Tums taken.

The acrid acid

Engorges my center

And forces this breath to change.

The nostrils flair

As my stomachs threatens

To bare

Sweet and low riddled coffee

To the world.

The doctor holds back screams,

From the repetition of saying,

Avoid the fats, creams and caffeine’s.

But all I can do

Is crinkle the protective paper and think,

Do these genes make my esophagus look fat?

Back to school

I stopped by blogger just now thinking that it had been a little while since I posted, but to my surprise, it has already been a month since my last post.  "That can't be right!" I thought, but alas, the proof was there and it was true.  Life has been crazy for the last year with school and work, but even as I say that I know it is not totally true. 

Fact... life is always crazy. 

I am always running around and trying to fit in as much as possible while still trying to be asleep as much as I can (I love sleep!).  I think it is not so much life being busy that keeps me away from here, it is more that my brain is busy.  It is full of articles on great American writers, on Freud's theories on sexuality and a poetry writers handbook.  My brain is going, going, going and I worry that by the time my body gets in front of the blank post page, anything that comes out will be unrecognizable mush.

So far going back to school has made my life many things, but despite the minor breakdowns and a bit of brain overload, I am so glad that I went back!  I am loving what I am learning now that I am old enough and (as much as I hate to admit it) mature enough to finally know how to go to school.   Before I didn't understand the point of studying.  School was always just something to get through and to do enough to pass.  Now though, it is a whole different world and I finally feel like I am getting what I want and need out of it.  I'm finally the studious nerd I always knew lived inside of me, I guess I just had to wait until she was ready to make her life debut. 

Soundtrack to my life

The guilty pleasure song.  Everyone has one, in fact most people have several and they tend to fade in and out of popularity with the world and our personal playlists.  Every once and a while though, they are so damn catchy that they hang out in your life long enough to be the background to some awesome memories; and once they are cemented into those happy times, you are stuck with them forever.  These 2 songs are not the types I would normally choose for my life soundtrack, but lets face it, the heart wants what the heart wants.  So apparently my heart wants Demi Lovato to be around pretty consistently.  She released a newish album around the time that I was spending an inordinate amount of time in the car.  Not only had I signed up to help a friend move from Pennsylvania to Florida (a 22ish hour trip) but I was also on car pool duty from time to time with my amazing cousins Jess and Ally.

 Jess and Ally being eaten by a shark this past Christmas on our girl adventure day.

As the road trip approached I was hell bent on making some awesome mix cds that would keep Melissa and I going when we were going stir crazy in the car.  I asked my adorable little cousins (now in the tween and early teen years) if they had any recommendations of awesome music that I should be in to.  They told me that Demi Lovato had come out with a new song called "Skyscraper" and that it was awesome to sing a long to.  Now I had heard it on pandora and I won't lie, the 13 year old in me loved it but couldn't wait to tell her friends how she was too hard core to listen to such crap.  So I tossed it on our mix cd's and we set off on an adventure.  Well little did I know (and to Melissa's dismay) it has kind of become an unofficial anthem to our friendship.  The overly angsty singing, not to mention music video, and the lady power theme of not letting someone bring you down, were like crack.

Melissa and I setting off on our road trip.

So it was officially added to the soundtrack upon my return.  I told Jess and Ally about the news and we discovered that she came out with her next single called "Give your heart a break".  We listened to it and found out that it might be just as much fun to sing as "Skyscraper"... I know, I know, bold words, but we were willing to test it out. 
So the next few times I picked either of them up from something we tossed it on the stereo and before I knew it we knew all the words.  We maybe even had a little interpretive car dance that one uses to fully express the beauty that is this dance-tastic pop ditty. 

So there you have it.  The story of how 2 completely unexpected tunes landed themselves a spot on the soundtrack to my life.  Let's all just pray that nothing important happens in my life while "Call me maybe" is playing... I don't think even I can find a way to justify that one.

Recently, with hearing about Jack Osbourne's diagnosis with MS, I realized that I tend to have a less than normal reaction when I've heard about a celebrity with an illness.

I'm almost excited to hear about it.  

I know that sounds horrible, but what I mean is that I am excited to be hearing about that person saying a big old "fuck you" to the stigma that accompanies a large diagnosis.  One of the hardest parts of having a life changing illness is conquering the way you have been socialized to feel about it, and figuring out how it works for you.  Adding on the pressure of being in the public eye, in my mind, is just astronomical.  I think that's why when I see someone like Jack Osbourne, or Venus Williams, or even Demi Lovato (with her bipolar diagnosis) deciding to speak up and out, not even in protest about their disease, but just about it's basic recognition, that I think they should be congratulated.  

It is the small victories that we as sickies need to celebrate, and acceptance is a huge first leap for any newly diagnosed person to take.  So thank you famous sickies, no matter what you are famous for, I appreciate you standing up and announcing proudly that you are fighting just like the rest of us.  Thank you for working towards ending the stereotype the sick people should suffer in silence.  It is together that we are most strong. 

Soundtrack to my life

Every so often a song comes a long and I love it so much that I find myself saying "in the movie of my life, I want this to play while this scene is happening!"  Sometimes the memories I think about are so specific that it is amazing I can remember them with such detail, and other times its a simple as "I want this to play when I am doing something spontaneous."
I know it's a little silly to think about but it always makes me smile and I feel like it keeps me connected with who I have been at certain points of my life.  So as a tribute to one of my favorite random musical activities, I have decided to start spontaneously keeping track of them here.  Some will be old and stood the test of time and others will be new and fleeting fancies that could be possible blackmail for later days.

So to start lets go with the song that I always said would be the main song on the soundtrack to my life. 

"The Remedy" by Jason Mraz

 Image found here

This song first came out when I was in high school and going through my first initial cancer treatments and I was immediately drawn to it.  It has a fun beat and is easy to sing along to, plus the message of "I won't worry my life away" is infectious and perfect for a day of driving with the windows down.  Slowly I began listening more and more to the lyrics and unraveling the story of illness and strength hidden in his silly and wonderful wordplay.  Then one day I was watching some show on VH1 where they talked about the meanings behind popular songs and they quoted Mr. Mraz mentioning that it was written about a friend battling cancer treatments.  Well from that day on it was over!  No other song had a chance, my life had an anthem and this was it.  As early as 16 I was saying that one day I would get some part of this mantra tattooed on my body as a reminder that it was only through acceptance of my disease could I conquer it, or even happily live with it.  So at 21, I got my first big tattoo on my upper thigh and it was with this mantra in tow. 

After all these years (dear god 10 to be exact) I still love the song as much as ever.  Jason Mraz was recently on storytellers on VH1 and he played and explained The Remedy and just sat there grinning from ear to ear and may or may not have shed a tear.  I'll always be thankful for his message and this song because it's impact on my life is honestly immeasurable. 

This is not normally my style of topic or post, but yesterday I found myself thinking back to my first "grown up weekend away" with a boy I dated for a few years during and after high school.  I wrote this in my diary and I thought it would be something fun to share, despite being a little terrifying and personal.  Isn't it amazing how our perceptions of time and people can change over time, and even more so, how something can simultaneously feel like it happened a million years ago and yesterday all at once? 

 

Today, our musical was on TV in movie form.  We haven't spoken in years but I was immediately pulled to that time in our lives when we were an "us".  I remember before we went up to NY to see it in person, me for the second time and you for the first.  We spent the weeks beforehand listening to the soundtrack in the car where ever we went, but we always skipped the end because I wanted you to to still have some mystery.  We stayed in a hotel and held hands all over new york city that weekend.  We ate chinese food and I slept in your Bruce Lee t-shirt at night and we fell asleep watching starsky and hutch on the pay per view channel at the hotel.  The night of the show, I wore that polka dot dress and you made me feel like a goddess.  I somehow managed to maneuver the subway and several blocks in 4 inch heels (most likely the last time I will ever have done that).  Looking back it feels like a fairy tale, but I know it was not long after this that everything soured.  I will never know what changed between us so suddenly, or why we stayed together so long after it did.  I think you started to resent me for leaving you for school, and I was frustrated with your complacency for working 2 days a week and living with your parents. 

It's interesting to look back and see how drastically times have changed, how I've changed, yet so many things are still the same.  Earlier I was thinking what I would say if I could go back in time and talk to myself at 18, what would I say about the future and about you?  The more I thought about it, the more i realized I wouldn't change a thing.  It took a long time and there was a lot of hurt and many hurtles to jump over to move on, but I finally feel like I am in a good place with our past.  At last I'm able to look back on what we had when things were good and we made each other happy and realize that you possessed several characteristics that I want out of someone again.  You were fun and liked exploring new things together and we would sit and chat about topics of which we knew nothing, and never once did we call the other one out.  We would just enjoy each others free form ideas and when we learned or discovered something new we would share it with the other one with passion and excitement.  One thing you never lacked was enthusiasm when it came to me, and I think I need that to thrive with someone.  I need them to show me how far they are willing to go before I will trust them enough to follow suit. 

I'm sorry we ended all those years ago with such bitterness and spite, but I think those things can come from great passion.  We always said that we had met each other too young to handle what we had, and I think that still rings true after everything. 

Totally Original

Earlier today I was talking to a friend and after a very random Forrest Gump reference and she and I spending a good 5 minutes figuring out which chocolates we are in the box of life (for the record, it was nougat) I admitted that lately I've been feeling rather lost about the rest of my life.  She suggested that I blog about it and my response was of course a sarcastic comment of "oh that's really original, a girl in her twenty's who feels lost :P".  We both had a good giggle and she went on to remind me that the reason we blog is not about being original, but about connecting with others.  The whole point of putting these things into words is BECAUSE someone can relate to them. So here we go...

Hello world, my name is Bridget and I am a 26 year old employed assistant and adult college student who has no idea what to do next.  My passions are still the same, I love theater and singing, fashion and making beautiful things, and people in all of their many variations.  Jen and I have been talking more and more about turning UII into a non profit organization and I know this could be a great opportunity to combine a lot of these passions into one amazingly inspiring career.  The scary part is that I always seem to pick jobs or careers that aren't exactly easy to acquire or in any way guaranteed.  I guess I'm forever that little girl who wants to be a rainbow bright/ ballerina/ teacher/ rock star/ astronaut/ professional lego builder when she gets older, and that's okay.  I just have to find something that will satisfy my "real world" needs while being able to keep the ADD riddled 7 year old inside of me fulfilled as well.

So where do we go from here? 

The answer... I have no freaking clue!  After thinking it over, I've decided that I should just go with the flow.  It's hard to do because I know that a small sliver of me tends to be type A and I do love a good plan... but then again I am always telling people that having cancer has made me realize that traditional plans just don't work for my life.  I need to make the plans only as the opportunities come to me and not before.  So for now I will keep plugging a long with school, plus planning the amazing things Jen and I have up our sleeves for UII and let life give me all it's got.  I may be a little lost, but we can just call it an adventure.

The things you have control over

This past week has been a little nutty and I won't lie, there have been some near breakdowns and freak outs. Things at school (mainly with tuition) have gotten severely complicated, not to mention my health insurance runs out in 10 days. Put this on top of my other bills like car, car insurance, cell phone, co-pays etc, I am stretched outrageously thin.

On Monday I was driving to school and was suppressing the urge to cry when a thought came to me... that I should stop stressing about all of the things that I can't control at the moment and instead focus on the small things I actually CAN control about my life. I find that when these big stressers rear their ugly heads, I tend to shut down and let the little, yet important, tasks slip through my fingers. The main problem with that anti-coping mechanism is that eventually all those little things like readings for class, or laundry, eventually pile up into another huge mound of shit to be accomplished. Even if I am only accomplishing a small task I still gain some kind of relief from it, even if none of the other huge problems have been solved. It also obviously helps me avoid only making the problem worse, so my new mantra is "worry about the things you have control over." I have already said it to myself countless times over the last few days and even though I still have no clue what will come of those huge problems hanging over my head, at least I've done something positive for myself and for my life.

Gimpy Girl Problems

*Warning: The following post could be considered by some to be a little TMI. Be Brave :)

This past week I helped a friend of mine move from PA to Florida and we had a wonderfully adventurous time despite the long hours in the car and the lack of quality coffee. However, along the way I discovered a problem that I often have in not so public, public places... AKA a public women's bathroom. With a over 20 hour road trip, god knows we spent plenty of time in the communal pottys of several states and it has prompted me to write an open letter to the women of the world (one that, for me, has been a long time coming!).

Dear Women of the World,
I understand your desire and instinct to "squat it out" when using a public restroom. It is indeed quite gross to think about what others might have done in there before you. However, if you choose to refuse contact with with seat and are comfortable enough with your balance to squat it out, please wipe whatever you leave behind off the the seat before you leave. Some of us are forced to put down toilet paper for protection and sit where you were so kind of leave your golden shower. I know when in a place as gross as a public potty it's hard to keep other people in mind because it feels like survival of the fittest, but I promise that with some soap and maybe even purell, you too will be as good as new, even if you had to touch the seat.
Love,
Bridget, and I'm assuming gimpy girls everywhere.

Sewing through the pain

Today is not a good day; I'm not going to lie to those of your out there in internet land. Chemo and Keanu* and I are not friends today. The last few days the chemo was giving me belly issues and then this morning at work i was smacked in the face with a killer headache. Luckily I came home early and after lots of advil, caffeine, and law and order svu, the headache decided to vacate the premises.

So i decided to return to my crafts and keep relaxing, but no the thigh tumor has decided it's time to play the shooting pain game. I can only blame the tumor so much because I refuse to take the intense pain killers they prescribe me because that's really not my scene. The last thing I need after 10 years of cancer treatment is to become dependent on pain killers that they hand out to kids like me like the ice cream man hands out choco tacos.

I didn't mean for this to become a ranting post. I'm just irritated at the situation and found it funny that the way I get through it, is "sewing through the pain". Usually this involves some sort of loud music (tonight's selections are old school Incubus and Gogol Bordello) and just sewing away like a robot. It may not make sense to some of you out there but in front of my machine is the one place that makes life slow down. It can take me out of myself for just long enough to focus on the small project in front of me and not the huge one that is my health. I know there are so many other crafters out there who would totally understand that statement... what does it for you guys? How do you fight through the irritations of life?

*For those not in the know, Keanu is the name of the tumor in my thigh... he's a punk.

Wise words

Sometimes I Forget that my friend Jen and I are the same age. She is one of the wisest souls that I know and I am so lucky to have come across her in my life. It's the old tale of adjoining handicapped parking spaces our freshman year of college and a god awful professor to hate... and the rest is history.
She and I have been working on a project with Villanova university about invisible illness and body image for the last few weeks and it has been an absolute delight to get to spend so much time chatting with her. She has been a real live health activist for quite some time now and you can't help but be inspired to get involved when she is around. There is something about her that pulls out the activist in all of us and it is one of the reasons I love her dearly. Today while chatting with her she came out with this little quote below and I felt like it was something I would have heard in school when recognizing someone who was badass enough to deserve their own bank holiday. She said, "Don't quantify activism. Activism is measured in reach, not volume, and not even intent." and I was immediately moved! She is completely right and I plan to use that as my new motto when it comes to the health activist side of me. I am not just a girl playing artist and activist anymore in her room, but I am a woman out there living it and doing it; sometimes I just need a little reminder :)

Sick Buddies

This past week I had coffee with my ex boyfriend (who from now on will affectionately be called J) just to catch up on life and see how things are going. It had been about a month and a half since we had last gotten together and although we are doing pretty well at the whole being friends thing, it is still a bit of a struggle at times. The last time we saw one another I told him that he looked obscenely thin and that he should go see a doctor. J has crohns disease that was diagnosed during his teen years, but over the last few years he has been in a bit of a medical rebellion just like me. It turns out I was right because a month after we last saw each other he found himself in the ER with a fever and kidneys that weren't functioning properly and to be honest he is lucky to be alive. Not only does he have crohns but he also has the common male problem of refusing to go to the doctor, especially when it's recommended by the women in his life haha. But all jokes aside, it is weird how life has a tendency to work out. One of the reasons he and I bonded so well was that we both knew what it was like to miss out on a huge chunk of your formative years because of an illness. He understood something in me that is just so hard to explain to someone who has never been sick, and we rekindled that part of our friendship this past week. We know that we should never date because there are parts of us that are just too vastly different, but we have instead decided to be "sick buddies".
We are both facing some rather intense treatments in the near future (I've given up on my medical protest which I promise to post about later) and have decided that it is better to be 2 sickies watching a movie together than alone and sad. The agreement goes as such, if one of us is having a really horrible day and feels too crappy to go out but is rather lonesome and the other one is up for the journey, than the person having a decent day will be lazy and ill with the one who feels like hell. It sounds like the most basic idea, but it's sometimes hard as the person who is sick to ask vital and healthy friends to slow down just for you. It's almost embarrassing, so this way we each know we have a backup plan. I guess being sick is a lot like learning to swim... its scary but it works better with the buddy system :)

New years revolution!

I have never been the type to even try when it comes to new years resolutions. Every year my mother makes one to loose weight and to be honest, that is what I thought "new years resolution" meant for a long time. It was just a fancy name for a diet that everyone started after the holidays. I personally don't believe in the term "diet" when it goes with other words like Atkins or south beach. To me it's all bullshit about starving yourself and making your life uncomfortable to look better on the beach. I prefer to live by the eat reasonably healthy motto instead of starving myself for 3 months at a time.
Well to jump on my friend Jen's bandwagon, I have decided to make some new years resolutions that I could not only see myself keeping, but that I would want to accomplish. I'm often coming up with a list of goals for the season (I still have my list of 10 goals from the summer hanging on the back of my door), so a list for the whole year is really not that different.

So without further ado here are a few of the things I hope to accomplish this year.

1) Become a better business woman
I have started this business without really any knowledge of how it should be done. I have never been a business minded person and the hippie in me just want to give everything away because I love making people happy. However, I have come to realize that if I want to make this work so that I can even remotely support myself with my art, than I will have to gain some semblance of a business mind. I am in no way expecting miracles from myself, but just some basic steps in the right direction and some additional knowledge on the subject as a whole.

2) Used more recycled materials for the craft biz.
Recently I have started making these little wristlet bags from recycled neck ties that I usually find at goodwill. Normally, they are far too girlie for any man to ever wear and I can't bare to have them go to waste so I came up with a solution. They have become one of my favorite things to make because it's a bit of a challenge but is still something beautiful and completely one of a kind.

3) Take charge of my health
I've really been avoiding my cancer patient status for quite some time now. I know what the consequences will be and I have made the choice to live with them, but I think it's time to go back to the doctor and face the music. To tell him that I want to avoid chemo unless it's becoming a dire situation, because after 10 years of this off and on I have hit a wall with my treatment. I want to try and find a balance in what is best for my body, as well as my sanity and my soul.

4) Buy better and less
I need to get over my love of things that cost $5 because it's really not logical anymore. In college, buying that hilarious graphic tee at 5 below totally makes sense because you can wear all the time, but I am finding myself at a new place in life that calls for quality. I'm finding that I need my clothes to hold up longer and to be functional for so many occasions. I have found a great balance in my professional life, where on most days I go to the office feeling like myself. I have always been the type to express my personality through my clothes and I find that when I put some creativity into my outfit choice, it sets a creative mood for the day. I've decided that it's time to give up the constant search for the $5 purchase because it makes so much more sense to just shop less and spend a little bit more on the items that you need. As I write this the bargain hunter in me is screaming "But I love the $5 purchase!!!". I'm not saying that I won't be making any, but only if I come across them out of sheer luck. It's better to save up and buy that warm coat that will last several winters as apposed to the cheap one that will barely last the week.

I hope to start a life revolution this year and make the best of every second that my existence has to offer. I hope 2011 brings the rest of the world a fantastic, magical, whimsical, and all around happy new year! Lovelovelove

Oh blog world it has been far too long! Life has been crazy, but in the best way possible. I am starting my own ETSY business and that has been taking up a lot of my spare time. I am so excited because it's something I have wanted to do forever and ever. It's given me an amazing excuse to have some hilarious and memorable hangout times with my friends while having them model the goods.

Cait modeling a scarf for the original shop banner

The last few months have been so good to me and I am constantly grateful for the amazing things that continue to happen. Lets briefly catch you up...

-My best friend Christy got married! There was an amazing celebration and ceremony at her parent's farm as well as a gorgeous Hindu ceremony in new york.

-I found a way to balance being happy with my "day job" and my artistic job!

- I went on a date that involved a personal banjo serenade (the only way to date really)

-I've created some of my best work artistically and I am finally going to get to share it with the world.

I hope life is treating the rest of you equally well!
Lovelovelove

September Wedding.

So last summer sometime, my college roommate Cait and I jokingly decided that we should just get married and out of this decision came the idea for the September wedding. Basically what this meant was that for the last year we referenced it as an inside joke that slowly everyone in our little Villanova group started to pick their roles and express their excitement for said September wedding. Well this past weekend we took the fake plunge and had ourselves a fake wedding.

It was really just a reason for some us all to get together and be silly. Everyone picked a wedding role to fill and we had a silly 10 minute ceremony full of sexual innuendos and best friend jokes.

(Our 'flower girl' in the midst of throwing her bag of rose petals everywhere)

Cait and I had an excuse to wear amazing dresses that really aren't acceptable in public. Mine was an old "punk rock prom dress" that I bought in high school and hers was this amazing 70's bridesmaids dress that we bought at a vintage shop.

(Yay Married!)

Cait ended up baring a striking resemblance to Jenny from Forrest Gump and I'm not entirely sure how I would classify my look... maybe high school Bridget. Our friend Kristen was our master of ceremonies (hence the super badass superman t-shirt) and came up with the most hilarious ways to tie Cait and I together for life. Her references to the princess bride and glorious pop songs spanning several decades were truly the work of a comedy genius. After our little ceremony we all we back inside and sat around talking, drinking and playing silly games.

(This is what happens when you give Joe and I booze and a camera)

It was a marvelous time and was exactly what I needed in my life!
Lovelovelove!

The week in review.

It's been a bit of a weird week full of bittersweet moments. The first downer was that as of last Wednesday my plans to go back to college have been put on hold until next semester because of loan and other money issues. As much as this sucks, to be honest it was a bit of a relief at the same time. It's my own fault because I put off meetings with advisers and registering for classes which made for a very hectic and rushed process that really didn't leave any room for any random snafus. So as unpleasant as it was to have to put off the ultimate goal (college degree and hopefully an eventual masters in womens studies) for another 3 months, at least I have learned to go into next semester with everything already figured out.
On the upside I got to spend a decent chunk of time on Saturday with my best friend from high school, Melissa*. Our hang out times usually consist of bad tv, some sort of crafts, and trying to decipher the mysteries of the universe. No matter what we do or talk about I always feel calmer somehow after we have been able to chat and laugh and just be silly together.
One more down side to this week was that after like 10 months or so the boy and I decided that it was time to stop seeing each other. This was also bittersweet on so many levels because as much as we both know we just don't work together in a way that could go the distance, so to speak, it sucks to end something with someone you care about. After sitting and talking it all out with him for a while I went home and spent many therapeutic hours with my sewing machine and mp3 player. It is weird how soothing it is to me to sit at that desk with Bessie** and make something beautiful while belting out whatever old song comes through the shuffle of my mp3 player... it's home to me.


*She is very selfishly leaving me in a month or so to take a job in Hawaii for at least a year. As much as I hate her for leaving me here alone down-in-g-town, I know why she has to go and hopefully I can save up enough money to visit her while shes there.
** Bessie is my sewing machine. She was named one day while costuming a show in college and in a rather cracked out and sleep deprived moment and friend of mine and I decided she looked like a cow. Hence the name Bessie.

Where do we go from here?

I've reached a point where I have absolutely no clue what to do with this blog. To be honest, I'm not sure I ever really had a clue. I think I just wanted it to be a sounding board for my life, but my everyday existence isn't really that interesting. I also dabbled with the idea of writing about being a young cancer patient in the hopes of helping some other young person to feel connected to something or someone like them. But that idea really only works when I'm not avoiding my cancer patient status (yes I am aware that is bad news bears). So where do I go from here? I don't want to just walk away from this baby, but I need some sort of a game plan on how to utilize it in a way that will keep both myself and my whopping 9 followers interested (thanks for reading guys!). I'll have to think this one over and let you guys know what I come up with... suggestions are of course welcome :)

Remember

There is more to you than cancer!

Back to the grind

Typically my life requires an mri and a visit to the oncologist every 3 months for a check-up on the little gremlins that live in my leg. However, I have been a bit of a renegade patient lately and after deciding to stop my own treatment about 7 months ago the time finally came for me to go back. I was avoiding the medical side of my life and I realize how foolish that was, but it was something that I honestly needed to do for myself. So why decide to give up on me anti-medical way of life? A little over a month ago I was out on an adventure with my friend Christy and we were trying on shorts (our first of the season), and there it was, the ugly tumor we named Keanu, bigger than ever. So needless to say I freaked out and gave in because I knew it was time.

So Friday was the big day and my doctor told me what I already knew. Luckily the tumor in my calf (named peach) is stable and has been for quite some time and Keanu is only a little larger, but still growing enough to require treatment. (the 2 other super small tumors in my thigh haven't grown since they randomly decided to show up but since they are so little and cause no trouble they have yet to be named) So it's back to the cancer grind for me and to be honest I am anything but happy about it, but this past weekend has given me some great blessings to show me just how I will get through this next bout of chemo.
Yesterday I had some quality time with my college roommate and we talked out everything about life (like we always do). She always knows how to somehow simultaneously make me feel that its alright to freak out but know that I can conquer the world. I'm not sure if that last statement made sense but I really can't think of a better way to explain it.
Also, On Saturday I had some quality time with my boyfriend. We reviewed all the doc and I had talked about and it was nice to not have to dwell on it. He just let me tell him at my own pace and then proceeded to distract me with an exciting and yet obscenely relaxing adventure that consisted of lots of driving, picking wild flowers, and sitting on a park bench near a lake with a breeze and sun.
The conclusion of these two little anecdotes is that even though I might personally not be ready for this next part of the fight, my support system is as prepared as ever; and that is what will keep me going when I feel sick or tired or angry. I'm so lucky to have such a fantastic group of loved ones to keep me going and it is with that knowledge that I can look Keanu in the face (if tumors have a face) and say "Bring it on Bitch!"

Theater Junkie

Once a theater kid, you are always and forever a theater kid. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't do the following things at least once...
1) Sing along to the original cast recording of anything.
2) See an article of clothing on the street and think "oh god that would work so well as a costume for this random character"
3) Hear a song on the radio and say "if this were a show the costumes would be a mix of rocky horror meets leave it to beaver" (oh yea I've actually said that in the last 9 days)
4) Do some form of interpretive dance in an inappropriate place and setting.
and dear god there are so many more.
Now I know my theatrical tendencies lean more towards costumes than being on stage, but it is through my joy of performing for an audience that I found my adoration for helping others find their joy on stage. I love being able to hear the background of a characters life and deciding, based on age, time period, personality, and life experiences what that person would choose to wear. It's a way of getting inside someones head that is completely unparalleled in my mind. In the last few weeks and I have been finding myself giving in to more and more of these theater habits. So in honor of this recent flare up of theatrical love, I am spending the rest of the day singing along to everything and being as crafty as humanly possible.