Remember

There is more to you than cancer!

Back to the grind

Typically my life requires an mri and a visit to the oncologist every 3 months for a check-up on the little gremlins that live in my leg. However, I have been a bit of a renegade patient lately and after deciding to stop my own treatment about 7 months ago the time finally came for me to go back. I was avoiding the medical side of my life and I realize how foolish that was, but it was something that I honestly needed to do for myself. So why decide to give up on me anti-medical way of life? A little over a month ago I was out on an adventure with my friend Christy and we were trying on shorts (our first of the season), and there it was, the ugly tumor we named Keanu, bigger than ever. So needless to say I freaked out and gave in because I knew it was time.

So Friday was the big day and my doctor told me what I already knew. Luckily the tumor in my calf (named peach) is stable and has been for quite some time and Keanu is only a little larger, but still growing enough to require treatment. (the 2 other super small tumors in my thigh haven't grown since they randomly decided to show up but since they are so little and cause no trouble they have yet to be named) So it's back to the cancer grind for me and to be honest I am anything but happy about it, but this past weekend has given me some great blessings to show me just how I will get through this next bout of chemo.
Yesterday I had some quality time with my college roommate and we talked out everything about life (like we always do). She always knows how to somehow simultaneously make me feel that its alright to freak out but know that I can conquer the world. I'm not sure if that last statement made sense but I really can't think of a better way to explain it.
Also, On Saturday I had some quality time with my boyfriend. We reviewed all the doc and I had talked about and it was nice to not have to dwell on it. He just let me tell him at my own pace and then proceeded to distract me with an exciting and yet obscenely relaxing adventure that consisted of lots of driving, picking wild flowers, and sitting on a park bench near a lake with a breeze and sun.
The conclusion of these two little anecdotes is that even though I might personally not be ready for this next part of the fight, my support system is as prepared as ever; and that is what will keep me going when I feel sick or tired or angry. I'm so lucky to have such a fantastic group of loved ones to keep me going and it is with that knowledge that I can look Keanu in the face (if tumors have a face) and say "Bring it on Bitch!"

Theater Junkie

Once a theater kid, you are always and forever a theater kid. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't do the following things at least once...
1) Sing along to the original cast recording of anything.
2) See an article of clothing on the street and think "oh god that would work so well as a costume for this random character"
3) Hear a song on the radio and say "if this were a show the costumes would be a mix of rocky horror meets leave it to beaver" (oh yea I've actually said that in the last 9 days)
4) Do some form of interpretive dance in an inappropriate place and setting.
and dear god there are so many more.
Now I know my theatrical tendencies lean more towards costumes than being on stage, but it is through my joy of performing for an audience that I found my adoration for helping others find their joy on stage. I love being able to hear the background of a characters life and deciding, based on age, time period, personality, and life experiences what that person would choose to wear. It's a way of getting inside someones head that is completely unparalleled in my mind. In the last few weeks and I have been finding myself giving in to more and more of these theater habits. So in honor of this recent flare up of theatrical love, I am spending the rest of the day singing along to everything and being as crafty as humanly possible.

Happy Friday!

The past 7 days have been equally wonderful and exhausting and I don't think my body has ever been more ready for a Friday. So in honor of the end of the week I thought I would share the high and lows that have made the last seven days so hectic.

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Spending five days with my awesome cousins, ages 13, 10 (eleven on Monday) and 9.

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Having some quality craft time with the two girls (10 and 9). We made purses that were a big hit with their friends.

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I was unprepared for just how intense it is to be a soccer mom, Saturday alone came with 3 different sporting events, not to mention opening day festivities for softball.

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Seeing the lovely ladies of NBT kick some serious ass in their end of the year a cappella concert, and being able to introduce the boy to the reason I am usually singing along with the instruments as well as the words.

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Buying a new and very long book, which I am super excited to start reading this weekend.

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Working in both offices for a few days which makes for a very stressed out and sleepy Bridget.

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The amount of Starbucks that I could justify into my budget in honor of the craziness.

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And the biggest plus of all was that I was able to make it all work. I know it may not sound very difficult but I have a tendency to be overwhelmed by how much there is to do. Instead of taking it one day at a time, I look at the big picture of what lays ahead and I start to freak out. Usually, because of this reason, I end up skipping the fun things in order to make sure I can handle the sensible things. But thanks so some awesome people in my life (IE Mom, Cait, Jeremy, Kristen, Joe) I was able to keep myself sane and still fit in some time for awesomeness.

So in conclusion, Friday I have never been so happy to see you. And weekend, I am super excited for the mini golf, triple date, outdoors time, and relaxation that I know you have in store for me.

Have a great weekend everyone! Lovelovelove :)

Go to your happy place.

For the last 2 weeks or so I have found myself slightly overwhelmed and anxious about pretty much everything and nothing (it's kind of like the anxious anticipation of waiting for Santa only in a not so fun way). It has a tendency to come and go every so often for me and it has been going on long enough that I have just accepted it as part of my charm :) The good news about having these extra neurotic periods of time is that I have a reason to stop and force myself to escape to one of my few happy places that exist on this earth.
The qualifications for somewhere to be considered my happy place is that it needs to hold some sort of happy memory, it must have a good view (sunset or sunrise is a bonus), preferably outdoors (a cool breeze, birds, etc), and I need to be able to just breath better there. There are a few places that meet all of these qualifications and certain locations tend to jump up and down on the list but there are two that always remain at the top spots and those are my great uncle's house in wildwood crest and the other is the roof of my house. Sadly I haven't been able to escape to the beach just yet but luckily my favorite portion of the roof is located just outside one of my windows. Since I was about ten years old I have been removing that screen and shimmying my way out onto that slanted piece of heaven. I'm not sure why it's so calming... maybe its the remnants of that rebellious and dangerous feeling from when I was a kid or the fantastic breeze that always seems to blow past that part of the house. Whatever it is the second I am seated on the warm shingles (or whatever they are) I can feel myself breathing easier. Over the last two weeks I have been lucky enough to get home from work just in time to see some beautiful sunsets out there and although the colors tonight were not as vivid as they have been in the past; it still calmed me like nothing else could.

What is your happy place?

Post secret

I discovered post secret my junior year of college and it has become one of my favorite little pleasures on Sunday mornings. After I wake up and grab some coffee, I sit at my computer and through these secrets I feel connected to man kind. Some of them I can relate to and occasionally I find ones that I truly understand but would have never thought to send them in as my particular secret, however this past week all of that changed. I came across this secret, and it was exactly the secret I had been waiting all these years to send in.

No I did not send in this postcard, but I might as well have. This card represents the battle that I have been fighting off an on with both my family and myself for close to ten years now. I know that post secret is anonymous and most likely the person who sent in this secret will never read this blog, but thank you anyway whoever you are. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone in my fight of not having cancer but living with cancer.

Poetic nerd.

A few months ago I got the writing itch and was able to crank out a few poems and things the I really enjoyed. Inspiration has been a bit slow again lately but I really did adore every second of it while it lasted. This is something I wrote during that time...

Yesterday I showed you parts of me
that most humans have never seen.
Though fear consumed me,
your bright eyes led me away from the clouds.
You have those forever kind of eyes
that could tame the wildest lion.
Such a contradiction from my ever changing view.
I wish I could reign mine in and hold back the change of the tide.

I want to discover the real truths of our pairing.
To learn the stories and feel the feelings of this bright boy
who seems to carry the whole universe in his head.
To see if I could learn all the mysteries
and somehow keep the butterflies.

We could stroll hand in hand
and take the most beautiful mental photographs the world will never see.
We could explore this vast wasteland they call life
and through each others eyes make it seem like the garden of Eden.