Hump day blues

I feel like I've lost all creativity with words. I used to be reasonably talented at stringing together a sentences that at least made me feel uplifted. But for a few years now i feel like there is part of me that was suffocated a long time ago by term papers and more recently memos. I know that I am not a unique snowflake, and that every feeling I have felt is only a repeat of a feeling that hes been lived out by others before. But where do I draw the line at thinking like this? Has this whole life been lived by someone else? Has it been repeated so many times that the soul that continues to inhabit it has lost all lust for the creative? I fear that this "normal life" is not what I was meant for; and that being forced to live it, whether because of social stigma or monetary morose, will eventually kill me. It is only in creating something remotely beautiful do i feel alive. If only I could convince myself that I send out the most amazing/breathtaking/elegant office memos that I could possibly survive this worn out life. Unfortunately, I am a terrible liar.

Autumn Blues

Every leaf speaks bliss to me,
Fluttering from the autumn tree.
-Emily Bronte


For some reason this week I find myself longing for fall. I think I am just longing for the carefree sense of life I feel when i can spend my days in sweaters and jeans. I am always at my most happy when I am comfortably bundled and I miss the feeling of a scarf blowing in the wind. I also think its because starting in the fall of last year I began going through this weird frumpy phase where everything I wore or purchased was over sized and un-flattering. It continued on through the winter and it wasn't until recently that I sort of woke up and realized that I can only feel beautiful when I send beauty out into the world. So that is what I have been doing in every way I can. Not only have I been trying to make my work wardrobe feel more like me, but I have been trying to be as kind and generous to those around me as I can. An amazingly smart and wonderful friend of mine is working on a life theory about how "we can only expect kindness from others if we send it out ourselves" and that is exactly what I have been trying to do; and fall is the perfect example of the world giving as much of that beauty as possible to me.

I have lived all of my life here in this small corner of the world and very ignorantly I assumed that the rest of the world had just as beautiful of a fall experience as here. That is not the case, however. Most of the world is denied the beauty of changing leaves with their vibrant colors and earthy smells. I really think fall is one of the main reasons that no matter how far I travel I know I will always end up back here. Fall just feels like home.

For me it means adding so many amazing elements to my life and brings back so many amazing memories... it's leaves, trips to the farm, a bundled existence, blues music, local bands, picnics in the park, pumpkin flavored coffee/various pumpkin treats and just quality time with the people I love. So as much as I hate to wish away the great things about summer, there is a huge part of me that is so ready for the majestic-ness of fall.

home away from home

I spent the last 6 days in my favorite place in the whole world, my great uncle Bill's house in wildwood crest NJ. I grew up going there just like my dad and like him I can never get enough of that house! It's 102 years old and has been in our family since 1940. Some of my favorite childhood memories are in that house and the ever changing company that inhabits it. I learned to surf on that beach 16 years ago and just yesterday I tried it again for the first time in years. I had to give up on surfing for a while after my last couple surgeries because my ankle and my balance needed serious time to recover.

I can still remember vivid parts of the day my dad taught me to surf. I was 8 or 9 and we were in wildwood with my family. We had to get up early before the life guards were on duty so my dad could be on the surfing beach without a board. He took me out on this little board that was most likely like 7 ft but at the time seemed huge. I was wearing a one piece bathing suit with blue in the middle... I remember this because the surf board had two dolphins on it and my dad kept telling me to line up the blue in the dolphins with the blue in my suit so that I wouldn't slide forward and nose dive. After learning the basics of when to paddle and several wipe outs I finally stood up on my first wave and it was one of the most glorious moments of my young life. I still look back on that memory as one of my favorites of my childhood and yesterday felt like a walk down memory lane.

My best friend Melissa and I made our way down to the beach early and paddled out and despite the lack of waves (and my lack of arm strength these days lol) I got a feel again for what it felt like to be on a board. My goal is to spend some time reconnecting with my body to improve my balance. One of the downsides of Cerebral Palsy is balance issues and I'm sure the weight I've put on from chemo doesn't help but I am optimistic that by next summer I will be back up on that board.

For years I have wanted to find the courage to get back up on that board and a few months ago the universe threw me the opportunity to find the inspiration I needed. One day at work while playing around on the internet I discovered life rolls on and their 'they will surf again' events and was moved to tears. I decided that I wanted to help in any way I could even if that meant handing out water and a few weeks ago I volunteered at my first event. I saw these amazing people, most of whom cannot walk, get on that board and I realized that I have been to afraid for too long. I've already started dancing again despite my leg and I decided that it was time to renew my love for surfing.

It was a glorious vacation filled with friends, family, love, and surprising success!

Lovelovelove!

Understanding Invisable Illness

A friend of mine from Villanova started a group on facebook to help those who face the struggles of illnesses that are not always perfectly visible to the public. We met our freshman year and bonded over the struggles that one faces with being handicapped and not looking like it on a college campus. Anyway I have been a member of this group from the beginning but had been slacking on keeping up with it for quite some time until yesterday. I had been internally struggling lately with my disease and the affects it has had on my life and physical appearance. Now I am not one to be vein and care an obscene amount about my appearance but loosing my hair was really getting to me for several reasons. I have been ridiculously lucky in the past to not loose my hair from any of my chemo treatments. I had a slight thinning of my hair before but I was fortunate to keep that part of my lifestyle intact. Recently I had noticed more and more of my hair coming out in the shower and could see my hair thinning along my hair line. I new I had to cut my hair but it was one more bit of control that I didn't want to loose. One of the things I have learned about myself over the last few years is that cancer has given me serious control issues. I hate relinquishing my control in most situations (this being one of the main reasons I now need to be sedated for my long MRI's) and I hate letting cancer get the better of one more part of my life. However, like with everything else I eventually remember that this is forever a part of me and I try to turn it into a positive in order to survive. In this situation I have decided to look at this as an excuse for a sassy summer hair cut and to enjoy every second of the new attitude that always accompanies short hair.
With this new attitude I decided to finally make my first mark on the Understanding Invisible Illness discussion board in the hopes that some someone else can see it and be inspired in the same way many of these people have inspired me.

If you know anyone who suffers from an illness of any kind and is in need of support please send them to this link where there are people from all over the world with all kinds of illnesses who just want to help.

Lovelovelove!

Fighting the urge to run...

I am your typical person now a days, going to work, playing with friends, just basically living life and usually I am generally satisfied with that. However, the satisfaction never lasts and out of no where come these waves of uncomfortableness. It's almost like a rash where you start feel a little itchy and sometimes you can suppress it with medicine and other times you can't find the cure quickly enough and you are stuck with red itchy blotches covering your life. Today is a rash day. I was coasting along fine and then out of nowhere it punched me right in the face and all i want to do is run away. I am terrified that I have lost my creativity. I don't want to be your basic craft mom who grows up, works too hard, has kids, and only uses her creative instincts for science fair projects and the occasional needle point bullshit. I need more than that and I need it NOW! I feel like a crazed junkie willing to do anything for a fix but there is no solution in sight. I'm not entirely sure how how or where to go from here. I'm sure it will resolve itself like it always does; I'll spend to much money on paint or fabric or canvas and I'll try to create something to make myself feel real again. It will hold me over for a while and in a few weeks I'll be right back here again. I just need to face the facts...
-I am in no way cut out to work in an office
-It is very unlikely that I will ever make art beautiful or provocative enough to move people in the way that is required in order to make a living on calling myself an 'artist'

I am realizing that at this point this is just me ranting and it's time to stop, suck it up and go to the craft store... such is life.

A farmers life for me.

This past weekend my friends and I ventured out to Pottstown for "fun on the farm". It's an event of sorts that we do every year at our friends farm (or really her parents farm), and it usually consists of varying activities that are possible on a farm like playing with cows, a hay ride, a bon fire and tons of food. My favorite part however, is spending a glorious amount of time outside with wonderful people. This year we were blessed with gorgeous weather that provided a wonderful backdrop to our country shenanigans and while enjoying the air and the company I realized just how much I love being out in the country. Being in a place that is so natural and so open just makes my soul feel brighter. It's hard to explain but for a girl who didn't set foot on a farm until she was 18, it's amazing how someplace so new can automatically feel like home.

So this is me...

A few months ago I met my mom at Villanova (her employer and my former educator) to drive together to another one of my many oncology appointments at CHOP. While waiting for her to get ready one of her colleagues and I talked about cancer and how much it sucks. I have been a cancer patient for close to ten of my 23 years and she herself had recently started an intense chemo regiment. After covering all the basics I found myself proclaiming my typical "it sucks but what can you do, it's just life" statement that has become so commonplace in my everyday conversations. She did as so many others have in the past and told me that I had such a great outlook on it all and recommended that I start a blog or something to help other young cancer patients realize that they are not alone. And to be honest I would love to give hope to other people through my life realizations but inside my head it is so much more pessimistic then I let on. The main reason behind this little blog was originally to be an outlet for me to really just say whatever to whoever wanted to listen. I was hesitant to ever even write anything about my life as cancer's mistress, but lately I have been struggling to think of anything else. I am at a loss for how I could in fact help anyone but I know that when I was 16, more than anything, I needed to know that other people have survived the struggle that is the life of a "kid with cancer". I'm not really sure as to how or where to take this post or anything else regarding this blog from now on, but I guess what it's really become is a long and drawn out realization that I will use this media to be an outlet for every aspect of my life.

So this is me, Bridget, a super huge hippie/nerd who loves music, theater, and is a "kid with cancer." LoveLoveLove!