Hump day blues

I feel like I've lost all creativity with words. I used to be reasonably talented at stringing together a sentences that at least made me feel uplifted. But for a few years now i feel like there is part of me that was suffocated a long time ago by term papers and more recently memos. I know that I am not a unique snowflake, and that every feeling I have felt is only a repeat of a feeling that hes been lived out by others before. But where do I draw the line at thinking like this? Has this whole life been lived by someone else? Has it been repeated so many times that the soul that continues to inhabit it has lost all lust for the creative? I fear that this "normal life" is not what I was meant for; and that being forced to live it, whether because of social stigma or monetary morose, will eventually kill me. It is only in creating something remotely beautiful do i feel alive. If only I could convince myself that I send out the most amazing/breathtaking/elegant office memos that I could possibly survive this worn out life. Unfortunately, I am a terrible liar.

Autumn Blues

Every leaf speaks bliss to me,
Fluttering from the autumn tree.
-Emily Bronte


For some reason this week I find myself longing for fall. I think I am just longing for the carefree sense of life I feel when i can spend my days in sweaters and jeans. I am always at my most happy when I am comfortably bundled and I miss the feeling of a scarf blowing in the wind. I also think its because starting in the fall of last year I began going through this weird frumpy phase where everything I wore or purchased was over sized and un-flattering. It continued on through the winter and it wasn't until recently that I sort of woke up and realized that I can only feel beautiful when I send beauty out into the world. So that is what I have been doing in every way I can. Not only have I been trying to make my work wardrobe feel more like me, but I have been trying to be as kind and generous to those around me as I can. An amazingly smart and wonderful friend of mine is working on a life theory about how "we can only expect kindness from others if we send it out ourselves" and that is exactly what I have been trying to do; and fall is the perfect example of the world giving as much of that beauty as possible to me.

I have lived all of my life here in this small corner of the world and very ignorantly I assumed that the rest of the world had just as beautiful of a fall experience as here. That is not the case, however. Most of the world is denied the beauty of changing leaves with their vibrant colors and earthy smells. I really think fall is one of the main reasons that no matter how far I travel I know I will always end up back here. Fall just feels like home.

For me it means adding so many amazing elements to my life and brings back so many amazing memories... it's leaves, trips to the farm, a bundled existence, blues music, local bands, picnics in the park, pumpkin flavored coffee/various pumpkin treats and just quality time with the people I love. So as much as I hate to wish away the great things about summer, there is a huge part of me that is so ready for the majestic-ness of fall.