Back to school

I stopped by blogger just now thinking that it had been a little while since I posted, but to my surprise, it has already been a month since my last post.  "That can't be right!" I thought, but alas, the proof was there and it was true.  Life has been crazy for the last year with school and work, but even as I say that I know it is not totally true. 

Fact... life is always crazy. 

I am always running around and trying to fit in as much as possible while still trying to be asleep as much as I can (I love sleep!).  I think it is not so much life being busy that keeps me away from here, it is more that my brain is busy.  It is full of articles on great American writers, on Freud's theories on sexuality and a poetry writers handbook.  My brain is going, going, going and I worry that by the time my body gets in front of the blank post page, anything that comes out will be unrecognizable mush.

So far going back to school has made my life many things, but despite the minor breakdowns and a bit of brain overload, I am so glad that I went back!  I am loving what I am learning now that I am old enough and (as much as I hate to admit it) mature enough to finally know how to go to school.   Before I didn't understand the point of studying.  School was always just something to get through and to do enough to pass.  Now though, it is a whole different world and I finally feel like I am getting what I want and need out of it.  I'm finally the studious nerd I always knew lived inside of me, I guess I just had to wait until she was ready to make her life debut. 

Soundtrack to my life

The guilty pleasure song.  Everyone has one, in fact most people have several and they tend to fade in and out of popularity with the world and our personal playlists.  Every once and a while though, they are so damn catchy that they hang out in your life long enough to be the background to some awesome memories; and once they are cemented into those happy times, you are stuck with them forever.  These 2 songs are not the types I would normally choose for my life soundtrack, but lets face it, the heart wants what the heart wants.  So apparently my heart wants Demi Lovato to be around pretty consistently.  She released a newish album around the time that I was spending an inordinate amount of time in the car.  Not only had I signed up to help a friend move from Pennsylvania to Florida (a 22ish hour trip) but I was also on car pool duty from time to time with my amazing cousins Jess and Ally.

 Jess and Ally being eaten by a shark this past Christmas on our girl adventure day.

As the road trip approached I was hell bent on making some awesome mix cds that would keep Melissa and I going when we were going stir crazy in the car.  I asked my adorable little cousins (now in the tween and early teen years) if they had any recommendations of awesome music that I should be in to.  They told me that Demi Lovato had come out with a new song called "Skyscraper" and that it was awesome to sing a long to.  Now I had heard it on pandora and I won't lie, the 13 year old in me loved it but couldn't wait to tell her friends how she was too hard core to listen to such crap.  So I tossed it on our mix cd's and we set off on an adventure.  Well little did I know (and to Melissa's dismay) it has kind of become an unofficial anthem to our friendship.  The overly angsty singing, not to mention music video, and the lady power theme of not letting someone bring you down, were like crack.

Melissa and I setting off on our road trip.

So it was officially added to the soundtrack upon my return.  I told Jess and Ally about the news and we discovered that she came out with her next single called "Give your heart a break".  We listened to it and found out that it might be just as much fun to sing as "Skyscraper"... I know, I know, bold words, but we were willing to test it out. 
So the next few times I picked either of them up from something we tossed it on the stereo and before I knew it we knew all the words.  We maybe even had a little interpretive car dance that one uses to fully express the beauty that is this dance-tastic pop ditty. 

So there you have it.  The story of how 2 completely unexpected tunes landed themselves a spot on the soundtrack to my life.  Let's all just pray that nothing important happens in my life while "Call me maybe" is playing... I don't think even I can find a way to justify that one.

Recently, with hearing about Jack Osbourne's diagnosis with MS, I realized that I tend to have a less than normal reaction when I've heard about a celebrity with an illness.

I'm almost excited to hear about it.  

I know that sounds horrible, but what I mean is that I am excited to be hearing about that person saying a big old "fuck you" to the stigma that accompanies a large diagnosis.  One of the hardest parts of having a life changing illness is conquering the way you have been socialized to feel about it, and figuring out how it works for you.  Adding on the pressure of being in the public eye, in my mind, is just astronomical.  I think that's why when I see someone like Jack Osbourne, or Venus Williams, or even Demi Lovato (with her bipolar diagnosis) deciding to speak up and out, not even in protest about their disease, but just about it's basic recognition, that I think they should be congratulated.  

It is the small victories that we as sickies need to celebrate, and acceptance is a huge first leap for any newly diagnosed person to take.  So thank you famous sickies, no matter what you are famous for, I appreciate you standing up and announcing proudly that you are fighting just like the rest of us.  Thank you for working towards ending the stereotype the sick people should suffer in silence.  It is together that we are most strong. 

Soundtrack to my life

Every so often a song comes a long and I love it so much that I find myself saying "in the movie of my life, I want this to play while this scene is happening!"  Sometimes the memories I think about are so specific that it is amazing I can remember them with such detail, and other times its a simple as "I want this to play when I am doing something spontaneous."
I know it's a little silly to think about but it always makes me smile and I feel like it keeps me connected with who I have been at certain points of my life.  So as a tribute to one of my favorite random musical activities, I have decided to start spontaneously keeping track of them here.  Some will be old and stood the test of time and others will be new and fleeting fancies that could be possible blackmail for later days.

So to start lets go with the song that I always said would be the main song on the soundtrack to my life. 

"The Remedy" by Jason Mraz

 Image found here

This song first came out when I was in high school and going through my first initial cancer treatments and I was immediately drawn to it.  It has a fun beat and is easy to sing along to, plus the message of "I won't worry my life away" is infectious and perfect for a day of driving with the windows down.  Slowly I began listening more and more to the lyrics and unraveling the story of illness and strength hidden in his silly and wonderful wordplay.  Then one day I was watching some show on VH1 where they talked about the meanings behind popular songs and they quoted Mr. Mraz mentioning that it was written about a friend battling cancer treatments.  Well from that day on it was over!  No other song had a chance, my life had an anthem and this was it.  As early as 16 I was saying that one day I would get some part of this mantra tattooed on my body as a reminder that it was only through acceptance of my disease could I conquer it, or even happily live with it.  So at 21, I got my first big tattoo on my upper thigh and it was with this mantra in tow. 

After all these years (dear god 10 to be exact) I still love the song as much as ever.  Jason Mraz was recently on storytellers on VH1 and he played and explained The Remedy and just sat there grinning from ear to ear and may or may not have shed a tear.  I'll always be thankful for his message and this song because it's impact on my life is honestly immeasurable. 

This is not normally my style of topic or post, but yesterday I found myself thinking back to my first "grown up weekend away" with a boy I dated for a few years during and after high school.  I wrote this in my diary and I thought it would be something fun to share, despite being a little terrifying and personal.  Isn't it amazing how our perceptions of time and people can change over time, and even more so, how something can simultaneously feel like it happened a million years ago and yesterday all at once? 

 

Today, our musical was on TV in movie form.  We haven't spoken in years but I was immediately pulled to that time in our lives when we were an "us".  I remember before we went up to NY to see it in person, me for the second time and you for the first.  We spent the weeks beforehand listening to the soundtrack in the car where ever we went, but we always skipped the end because I wanted you to to still have some mystery.  We stayed in a hotel and held hands all over new york city that weekend.  We ate chinese food and I slept in your Bruce Lee t-shirt at night and we fell asleep watching starsky and hutch on the pay per view channel at the hotel.  The night of the show, I wore that polka dot dress and you made me feel like a goddess.  I somehow managed to maneuver the subway and several blocks in 4 inch heels (most likely the last time I will ever have done that).  Looking back it feels like a fairy tale, but I know it was not long after this that everything soured.  I will never know what changed between us so suddenly, or why we stayed together so long after it did.  I think you started to resent me for leaving you for school, and I was frustrated with your complacency for working 2 days a week and living with your parents. 

It's interesting to look back and see how drastically times have changed, how I've changed, yet so many things are still the same.  Earlier I was thinking what I would say if I could go back in time and talk to myself at 18, what would I say about the future and about you?  The more I thought about it, the more i realized I wouldn't change a thing.  It took a long time and there was a lot of hurt and many hurtles to jump over to move on, but I finally feel like I am in a good place with our past.  At last I'm able to look back on what we had when things were good and we made each other happy and realize that you possessed several characteristics that I want out of someone again.  You were fun and liked exploring new things together and we would sit and chat about topics of which we knew nothing, and never once did we call the other one out.  We would just enjoy each others free form ideas and when we learned or discovered something new we would share it with the other one with passion and excitement.  One thing you never lacked was enthusiasm when it came to me, and I think I need that to thrive with someone.  I need them to show me how far they are willing to go before I will trust them enough to follow suit. 

I'm sorry we ended all those years ago with such bitterness and spite, but I think those things can come from great passion.  We always said that we had met each other too young to handle what we had, and I think that still rings true after everything. 

Totally Original

Earlier today I was talking to a friend and after a very random Forrest Gump reference and she and I spending a good 5 minutes figuring out which chocolates we are in the box of life (for the record, it was nougat) I admitted that lately I've been feeling rather lost about the rest of my life.  She suggested that I blog about it and my response was of course a sarcastic comment of "oh that's really original, a girl in her twenty's who feels lost :P".  We both had a good giggle and she went on to remind me that the reason we blog is not about being original, but about connecting with others.  The whole point of putting these things into words is BECAUSE someone can relate to them. So here we go...

Hello world, my name is Bridget and I am a 26 year old employed assistant and adult college student who has no idea what to do next.  My passions are still the same, I love theater and singing, fashion and making beautiful things, and people in all of their many variations.  Jen and I have been talking more and more about turning UII into a non profit organization and I know this could be a great opportunity to combine a lot of these passions into one amazingly inspiring career.  The scary part is that I always seem to pick jobs or careers that aren't exactly easy to acquire or in any way guaranteed.  I guess I'm forever that little girl who wants to be a rainbow bright/ ballerina/ teacher/ rock star/ astronaut/ professional lego builder when she gets older, and that's okay.  I just have to find something that will satisfy my "real world" needs while being able to keep the ADD riddled 7 year old inside of me fulfilled as well.

So where do we go from here? 

The answer... I have no freaking clue!  After thinking it over, I've decided that I should just go with the flow.  It's hard to do because I know that a small sliver of me tends to be type A and I do love a good plan... but then again I am always telling people that having cancer has made me realize that traditional plans just don't work for my life.  I need to make the plans only as the opportunities come to me and not before.  So for now I will keep plugging a long with school, plus planning the amazing things Jen and I have up our sleeves for UII and let life give me all it's got.  I may be a little lost, but we can just call it an adventure.

The things you have control over

This past week has been a little nutty and I won't lie, there have been some near breakdowns and freak outs. Things at school (mainly with tuition) have gotten severely complicated, not to mention my health insurance runs out in 10 days. Put this on top of my other bills like car, car insurance, cell phone, co-pays etc, I am stretched outrageously thin.

On Monday I was driving to school and was suppressing the urge to cry when a thought came to me... that I should stop stressing about all of the things that I can't control at the moment and instead focus on the small things I actually CAN control about my life. I find that when these big stressers rear their ugly heads, I tend to shut down and let the little, yet important, tasks slip through my fingers. The main problem with that anti-coping mechanism is that eventually all those little things like readings for class, or laundry, eventually pile up into another huge mound of shit to be accomplished. Even if I am only accomplishing a small task I still gain some kind of relief from it, even if none of the other huge problems have been solved. It also obviously helps me avoid only making the problem worse, so my new mantra is "worry about the things you have control over." I have already said it to myself countless times over the last few days and even though I still have no clue what will come of those huge problems hanging over my head, at least I've done something positive for myself and for my life.

Gimpy Girl Problems

*Warning: The following post could be considered by some to be a little TMI. Be Brave :)

This past week I helped a friend of mine move from PA to Florida and we had a wonderfully adventurous time despite the long hours in the car and the lack of quality coffee. However, along the way I discovered a problem that I often have in not so public, public places... AKA a public women's bathroom. With a over 20 hour road trip, god knows we spent plenty of time in the communal pottys of several states and it has prompted me to write an open letter to the women of the world (one that, for me, has been a long time coming!).

Dear Women of the World,
I understand your desire and instinct to "squat it out" when using a public restroom. It is indeed quite gross to think about what others might have done in there before you. However, if you choose to refuse contact with with seat and are comfortable enough with your balance to squat it out, please wipe whatever you leave behind off the the seat before you leave. Some of us are forced to put down toilet paper for protection and sit where you were so kind of leave your golden shower. I know when in a place as gross as a public potty it's hard to keep other people in mind because it feels like survival of the fittest, but I promise that with some soap and maybe even purell, you too will be as good as new, even if you had to touch the seat.
Love,
Bridget, and I'm assuming gimpy girls everywhere.