This is not normally my style of topic or post, but yesterday I found myself thinking back to my first "grown up weekend away" with a boy I dated for a few years during and after high school. I wrote this in my diary and I thought it would be something fun to share, despite being a little terrifying and personal. Isn't it amazing how our perceptions of time and people can change over time, and even more so, how something can simultaneously feel like it happened a million years ago and yesterday all at once?
Today, our musical was on TV in movie
form. We haven't spoken in years but I was immediately pulled
to that time in our lives when we were an "us". I remember
before we went up to NY to see it in person, me for the second time
and you for the first. We spent the weeks beforehand
listening to the soundtrack in the car where ever we went, but we
always skipped the end because I wanted you to to still have some
mystery. We stayed in a hotel and held hands all over new
york city that weekend. We ate chinese food and I slept in
your Bruce Lee t-shirt at night and we fell asleep watching starsky
and hutch on the pay per view channel at the hotel. The night
of the show, I wore that polka dot dress and you made me feel like
a goddess. I somehow managed to maneuver the subway and
several blocks in 4 inch heels (most likely the last time I will
ever have done that). Looking back it feels like a fairy
tale, but I know it was not long after this that everything
soured. I will never know what changed between us so
suddenly, or why we stayed together so long after it did. I
think you started to resent me for leaving you for school, and I
was frustrated with your complacency for working 2 days a week and
living with your parents.
It's interesting to look back and see how drastically times have changed, how I've changed, yet so many things are still the same. Earlier I was thinking what I would say if I could go back in time and talk to myself at 18, what would I say about the future and about you? The more I thought about it, the more i realized I wouldn't change a thing. It took a long time and there was a lot of hurt and many hurtles to jump over to move on, but I finally feel like I am in a good place with our past. At last I'm able to look back on what we had when things were good and we made each other happy and realize that you possessed several characteristics that I want out of someone again. You were fun and liked exploring new things together and we would sit and chat about topics of which we knew nothing, and never once did we call the other one out. We would just enjoy each others free form ideas and when we learned or discovered something new we would share it with the other one with passion and excitement. One thing you never lacked was enthusiasm when it came to me, and I think I need that to thrive with someone. I need them to show me how far they are willing to go before I will trust them enough to follow suit.
I'm sorry we ended all those years ago with such bitterness and spite, but I think those things can come from great passion. We always said that we had met each other too young to handle what we had, and I think that still rings true after everything.
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