My own advocate

Lately I have been trying to take positive steps forward in almost every aspect of my life. I'm slowly realizing that I can no longer rely on others to figure out the solutions anymore. I think that its one of the parts of "growing up" that I have struggled with most. When your sick as a kid your parents are your life line, but at some point you have to allow yourself to step up to the plate be your own advocate. I've spent a lot of time over the last few months trying to regain things that I had to sacrifice to my disease because it was to hard, to painful or I was afraid of getting hurt. And as great as it was to feel in control of those little joys, they were really a momentary distraction from reality. For months I have felt as though I am losing control of so many aspects of my health and I have continued to justify my avoidance of them. Money, or lack of it, has been my main source of denial by telling myself that I just can't afford it right now. Which, in part, is true, but that hasn't stopped me from buying that pair of boots to cheer me up when I'm having an especially crappy day. If I could only learn to stop myself from getting the boots, and put that money towards a co-pay, I could actually go and see the many doctors I have been avoiding.

Tuesday was a bit of a turning point because I had some time one on one with my amazing friend Christy.

I've mentioned her on here before but regardless lets re-cap the wonderfulness that is Christy: she was my room mate in college, her parents own a dairy farm, she loves kittens and ice cream (not necessarily together), she works at Penn as a nurse in a mostly oncology ward, and on more than one occasion I have referred to her as one of the loves of my life!

Anyway on Tuesday we went to the Phillies game (they won 7-4 yay!!) and we talked about pretty much everything I have been feeling. My worries about how my health and how more and more things are bothering me physically and emotionally. We talked about how I feel like slowly I am loosing control over ever aspect of my life and how terrified I am of the out come. I know that paranoia and control issues are two very common things that cancer patients suffer from after the initial fight, and lately I really been feeling all of those things weighing down on me. She asked me if I had thought about going to see a counselor of some kind. To be honest I have thought about it but I have a hard time finding someone I can connect with. I feel like I need someone who understands the struggles of the never ending patient and can help me get past these problems that are really beginning to swallow me whole. We talked about resources for cancer patients and I expressed that I would feel as though I would be taking a spot away from someone who had a more extreme case and could really use the help.
It was at this point that she pretty much verbally bitch slapped me and reminded me that although cancer has the stigma of a death sentence, that it's really not the case anymore. She reminded me that those resources are there for not only patients and survivors but for their loved ones and caregivers as well. It was like a light bulb went off in my head and I realized that this guilt of taking someones place was really another way for me to avoid what was really going on.

I took some time and thought it over for the rest of the night and into the next morning and while I was at work I received this e-mail "Hey Love, After everything we talked about tonight I thought it was strange that I would look on the New York Times website and find this article..." Attached was an article all about depression after cancer and reading it was like reading everything I had been trying to get out for months!


At this point I decided that I needed to do something and that I had to get over my childish side and take care of the most important part of me... my health. So this morning before work I woke up and called the livestrong cancer support and asked about counselors and other support resources in my area. Immediately I felt parts to me coming back. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but I am proud of the steps I have made so far.